I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
