sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I deserve this hangover.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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