He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
