It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
