someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
