my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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