I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
