I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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