nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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