this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
