billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
