if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
