i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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