I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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