saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
