I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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