Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
