is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
