I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
