I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
