You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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