my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
