the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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