How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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