I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
