franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
