Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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