I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
i believe in u and ur pee
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
