I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
