I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
