He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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