you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
two words: eviction party
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
