I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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