Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
