Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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