Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
