i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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