I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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