i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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