I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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