The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
