I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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