I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The best revenge is premature balding
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
