ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
