First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
