i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
