who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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