Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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