I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
