I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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