i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
