I think I died a long time ago.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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