the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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