so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
