I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
