I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
